Posted by: Jody Glynn Patrick | 10/22/2015

Your words: Parents helping parents grieve after a child’s death.

Jody Glynn PatrickIt is my firm belief that only others who have known the devastation of losing a child who they loved can fully appreciate the depths of despair and anguish a grieving parents, grandparent, sibling, aunt, etc. goes through after the loss. That is why this blog site exists. These comments were posted by grieving people who, like you, are trying to find a way to keep their child with them, while at the same time climbing out of the hell hole that the death has put them in.  Some are parent-to-parent comments and some are comments about a blog posting. I offer these reminders of their care and concern for you so that you know you are heard here. You are understood here. And you are supported here. Your comments, too, matter to others. You are the ones that help them stand. Jody.

 From Bill: Hi Rose. I am going to answer you as honest as I can. First of all, what a wonderful son you have.  I have two the same ages, 23 and 27, so we are very fortunate Rose to have that. I do not know if I am a real man, whatever that means, but as I was raised by parents who made it became evident that me and my brother were in fact my Mother and Father’s everything, as far as the love they gave us. My feelings for my children from birth follow the feelings they gave me and me for them. Before Carrie was born, I wanted a daughter because I always wanted a sister. When Carrie was born I was over the moon. My sons will not mind me saying, Rose, that Carrie was the love of my life and we never had a cross word with each other since the day of her birth. She reminded me so much of my Mother I am so proud of what she achieved in life, giving me three grandchildren who were 2,4,8 when she went away 18 months ago. Her illness came out of the blue; a family friend came to my home and said he had been asked to come to tell me straight away that Carrie had collapsed at her Grandma’s home. At the hospital it was found to be a brain tumor. I died that moment. When told, I just wanted to run away, not knowing or caring where … just running away and never coming back. But of course that never happened. I nursed her along with her Mum and relations. Through the suffering, Carrie bravely fought and sadly lost. I have always been a strong person, never running away from anyone or anything that threatens me, but what has happened has truly broken me from the person I knew. God only knows, and Carrie, how hard I try to lift my spirits every minute of every day but I can’t. There was absolutely no reason or anything to gain by my daughter’s death. I am so proud to have been chosen to be her Father and I will continue to cry wherever and whenever my emotions take me. In truth, I don’t really care what others think by doing so. After all, it is for the love I have for Carrie that I cry. My love to you Rose and your family.

From Crystal: There is no better way to put it. It’s nice to know these feelings we are forced to cope with day after day until our time has been served, as unnatural as they may feel, are natural after all.

 From Roseanna: My beautiful baby die! [That said it all for her.]

From Jenny C:  My 29-year-old son died almost a year ago, and his 20-year-old sister 3.5 months later. The pain has been indescribable all along, but ever since the month has turned to October (one year on 10/23/15), I have felt the anxiety, the sadness increase daily. The words in this blog, while excruciating, are also helpful – someone gets it! I have unbelievably supportive family and friends who will be there on 10/23, because they know I want to celebrate Jason at the same time as I grieve. As the post says, it was “the day when the world as I knew and understood it ceased to exist.” I am convinced that there is no “new normal” – at least not one that is comfortable.

From Richard [posting to a suicidal father’s comment]: Sean, please tell me you are still here! Unfortunately, I understand what you (We) are going through. My wife died at 26 leaving me with a 3yr old son. I remarried and my 13yr old son died 5 years ago. As a dad, I feel that I have failed them both! I was supposed to protect them!!! Instead, I live on. I am no longer afraid of death. I am more afraid of living in pain. However, just as you, I have other kids. They need us. Let’s not fail them! I will never forgive myself for failing to save my wife and son. But, if I would take my life, I would never forgive myself for leaving them. We are only human. We can only do so much. Please try to be there for the kids you have left. So many others here would love to be in our position (Having the blessing of other kids). My daughter just turned 17. As much as I feel as a total failure, she looks up to me! I am still here and she, for whatever reason, seems to look to me. I can see that she will not settle for less in her life. I make a difference and I am sure you do as well! Please keep trying. That is the best we can do!

From Mary R. – a note for other posters: Rene, you have suffered a catastrophic loss. Let the tears come as they may, it is impossible to stop them in early grief. And what a beautiful boy Kaydin is. He truly sounds so very special and dear. I do not know your circumstances but it seems you were very much like a parent to him as well as his treasured grandmother. I’m sure Kaydin is comforting you still from Heaven. Sending you peace and strength from Maryland. Robert, I am so very sorry for the loss of such a precious little boy. I have no words to comfort you as we all know there are no words to describe the enormity of such a loss. Austin looks like he’s is quite a character with that beautiful red hair! I pray you feel his presence with you every day as I strongly believe our children never leave us and he is there to guide you through your grief journey. Know that you are not alone and I pray for peace and strength for you and your family. Robert, I am so very sorry for the loss of such a precious little boy. I have no words to comfort you as we all know there are no words to describe the enormity of such a loss. Austin looks like he’s is quite a character with that beautiful red hair! I pray you feel his presence with you every day as I strongly believe our children never leave us and he is there to guide you through your grief journey. Know that you are not alone and I pray for peace and strength for you and your family.

From Grace: I lost my son and only child on April 15,2014. My son did not want to live anymore. I have three grandsons, and my heart breaks for them more than myself. I am in serious denial, I cannot accept that he is gone.

From Michelle: We lost our beautiful son tragically on July 20, 2015. Breathing is difficult and wanting too seems all but impossible. I search each day for answers and for understanding, I pray although my faith is shaken. I beg God for a sign, one that I recognize as my boy. You see I never got to say goodbye or hold him in my arms and comfort him when he passed away, he was alone, his life taken by the hands and callous acts of another. I live each day just wanting to whisper one more time, I love you. Bobby was my life and my joy, he truly was and will always be the love of my life. Grieving a child is unlike any other pain, it is an unbearable mark on your heart and your soul, I hope in time to find a way to be able to breathe again….

From Robert: Thanks for the words of encouragement Rene. Sometimes I feel like I want to move too. I initially wanted to pick up and sell our home and just move away, but my wife Becky is very attached to the house, because of all the memories that were made there. I also wonder about what Austin would be like if he didn’t have cancer. How he would be, what kind of trouble he would be getting in, fights with his brother, who his friends would be. It hurts me every day to know that this will never be.

From Lisa: This post is in regards to those posting about a grave marker. My 18 yr. old son died 11/03/14 by suicide. It took me 8 months to decide on the cut & type of stone AFTER I worked up the nerve to even walk in headstone company and see what was available/possible. We went with a design that enabled us to compile pictures from family vacations into a scene. The stone was placed just a few weeks ago, and I’ve actually been to the gravesite more since then, than in the 11 months he’s been gone. It sounds odd, but it is peaceful to see and be reminded of his qualities on his footstone…beloved, faithful, cherished. The owner told me they like to call them memorial stones now because that’s what they are…memorials, not just a marker. I realize that those who lost very young children wouldn’t have such pictures but maybe there’s something else you could design. I’m just so, so very sorry for you.

 

 


Responses

  1. I lost my beautiful 18 year old son a year ago. He was hit by a car while crossing the street. I feel so much pain and heartache. I struggle daily not to loose it completely. I wrote this poem the other day and I hope it somehow brings a minute of peace to the other parents going through the same. “Yet he was to let go and I was to watch him grow, Unexpectedly he grew far beyond my eyes sight and his voice was heard by my ears no more. So I will be searching for him the rest of my days, like a dream I once had where I called out his name and searched every door, and when I woke he was there.” by Darlene Cunliffe for her cherished son Sheldon Allmon. Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  2. All the people on this site are beautiful people with a strong faith it seems. Losing a child is the HARDEST thing you will ever have to endure in my opinion. You never stop grieving. Occasionally things seem to be normal and you laugh and find some joy, but always, always your child is in your heart tugging at your emotions. I have had a few good days in a row and then BAM!!! the emotions just run over me, you can feel it coming on, your heart starts to flutter, your muscles constrict and tears will start falling before you even realize that you are crying. It is part of my life now, just like stumping a toe, you never know when you are going to do it, but you know when it happens it hurts like crazy – Grief is the same, you never know when it will rear up and take control of you, but you do know when it does overwhelm you it is going hurt – so you develop some “tricks” to help you get through or past it – or you just find a corner and cry until you cannot cry any longer. I have found that the more I am able to accept what has happened to my Kaydin, the better equipped I am to handle the grief. But even my acceptance of his death comes and goes – over a year later and I still have moments that wash over me where it is like hearing the news for the first time.

  3. Our only precious daughter Vaishnavi Prasad aged 7 years left us on 15-Aug-2015. Both my daughter and I were attacked by honey bees in large numbers, while visiting the botanical garden in Bangalore. We were hospitalized in a short time. My daughter did not survive the bee attack as she was the first target. Reading through the comments in the website brings tears to me and my wife. We are going through the same pain and emptiness in our life as well. We feel lost on certain days. Everyone seems to hurry us to move on. We seem to be tied to that one day when everything was fine in the morning and by evening she was gone.
    I keep reliving the moment she was attacked like a video on constant playback. We were helpless and could not protect her.Every minute I keep thinking what we would be doing with her. I keep looking up the stairs hoping she will come running down, the greeting I got when I got back from work. We miss our daughter so much that the pain seems to be intensifying with each passing day.With the endless list of Indian festivals we are having, we seem to be missing all the things we did previously.
    Thanks for this website, where we could relate to the sorrow of other parents.

  4. 10/24/95, Alexandra Elizabeth Alvarez was born. She was a perfect, healthy, vibrant, inquisitive, beautiful baby who grew into a beautiful, loving, amazing young woman. On 1/2/13 she had a sledding accident which tore her liver and spleen. She passed over that horrific day and my life has changed forever. I knew I had to be strong for my younger son, but I just couldn’t. My husbands way of grieving was to burry himself in work at he had to have order in his life and house. I could care less about the order of the house and just wanted to be held. He began to hate our dogs because they shed, made clicking sounds with their nails on the wood floors when they walked, made noises when breathed, etc. These were our daughter’s pets. She loved all animals and especially loved these dogs. They were the only beings that gave me any comfort and affection. He forced me to get rid of them because he couldn’t live in the house with them anymore. I persuaded my neighbor to take them so I could still see them. Our relationship continued to decline and he then announced that he wanted a divorce. That was it, my entire world was ripped apart, I couldn’t stand the pain any longer and didn’t want to be here anymore. I took a handful of sleeping pills but my son called 911 and rushed me to the hospital. Why they were able to save me but not my daughter…. Anyhow, I saw how I my suicide attempt affected my son and I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt him again. I was then diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and so I thought that I would be taken that way. But, I had radiation and surgery so I’m now considered cancer free. Again, I couldn’t refuse treatment because of my son. So, I have what I call a “muted” existence. My husband and I live under the same roof but in different bedrooms. I drive without music, I eat because I have to. No anger, no happiness, just existence. I read lots of books about life after death. The belief that I’ll see Allie again is the only thing that keeps me going. From what I’ve read, Earth is a school, and we’re here to learn lessons on how to be better humans/spirits. Well, I realm want to ditch this school but I know I can’t so I’m just gonna have to stick it out. I’ve also read that life is suffering, and nothing is permanent. If we can really accept that then we will be happy when we’re not suffering and be able to let go of things easier. Easier said than done, for sure.

  5. I need some help , our 10yr old son passed this February and everyone else is moving on it seems and im lost and have had to put on a fake smile for my wife and our 4 other children. I have to hide to cry because it seems to make everyone uncomfortable so i find times to be alone in the house and sit at his bedroom door and scream his name over and over hoping to hear him one more time or to see him and i get nothing. I find myself walking the night looking for him and nothing ,i am lost and closer to the edge everyday


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