Posted by: Jody Glynn Patrick | 07/31/2015

Guest blog from Delores, a bereaved parent.

Hemingway won a bet that he could write a six-word story that would make anyone who read it felt like crying. This is it.

Hemingway won a bet that he could write a six-word story that would make anyone who read it felt like crying. This is it.

I have been keeping kind of a journal and wanted to share my thoughts. I hope some of it will help someone realize their feelings are very natural.

Agony, pain, torment, anger, futility, grief, nothingness, panic, a void, tears, sobs, helplessness, sadness, tired. Despair.

I feel these every day and I am not sure how to get through each day.

Katy would be 28 years old tomorrow; was she going to be tall, what color was her hair, did she have a cleft in her chin, was her hair light or dark and what color were her eyes. I still remember how sweet and soft she felt and her soft, soft hair. Four months was not very long to have her, why only four months. She was so very sweet, what a happy, happy, little girl. Just say her name and she would squirm like a little puppy. She was here and she was gone.

Becky, the pied piper of children. Oh, how she loved her daughters and I don’t believe there is word about how much she would have loved Preston. Her laugh, I miss her gravelly laugh and the quick sense of humor. I guess I will wonder every day what I could have done to maybe have made her life easier and will always regret that the last words I said to her wasn’t I love you.

Stacey, so very beautiful and so very,very blond. I know she loved Samantha so very much and would have bragged and talked for hours about the wedding and oh my gosh, it would have been non stop about the baby. Again, every day wonder what I could have done to maybe have made her life easier and will always regret that the last words I said to her wasn’t I love you.

I prayed so hard every night for both of them. I asked God to please put his arms around them; let them feel a hug or some peace. I used to ask God to please protect Katy, it was like I felt something.

I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling right now but really need to ask you both (that is hard to type, I should be able to say “you guys” and mean all five of you).

I can’t explain what happen when we are together but there is a point it seem to become surreal; like I am not there. I can see and hear you guys but I am just watching. Some of the things that some of you say really piss me off and other things break my heart.
I become very cognizant of Becky and Stacey not being here when I see Lindsay and Emily and Preston, Samantha and Andrea. I know because they would have contributed all the funny stuff or crapp you guys say but mostly because they should be here; Preston would have adored Becky and Stacey would have bragged non stop about Samantha and would have had all kinds of advice.

You two can’t relate and I never,never, never, want you to comprehend the devasting, horrible pain that hits me. It just comes out of nowhere. The tears just seem to roll; with no sobbing or fore warning. It just comes. All I have had is you girls and 3/5ths of you are gone. I truly feel there should have been something I could have done. I helped pay Becky’s rent but the last thing I said was I can’t send you any more money. I know now I would have sent my last dime if she could have lived one day more.

The last communication I had with Becky was a call from someone she had called and the man said she had told them she was afraid the might die. I huffed up and told him it was the same old story. She knew and I ignored.

The day before Stacey died I gave Samantha all the cards and notes Stacey had sent me for mother’s day, Christmas, and etc. The last time I talked to her I was rude to her and hung up because of her lanquage. I never said I love you. What if I said, “ Stacey call me tomorrow and maybe I will come by.

I just don’t know how to do this, this time. I love all you guys but I just feel like a farce and my feeling are all ove the place.

I don’t know how to do this; the days are long and I just want each of them to go by. I think maybe I will sew but I can’t, I think about getting a job but Ican’t.

I will never be the same again. A huge part of my soul has been ripped open and taken away. You girls were all I ever really had. My parents were good people but I wasn’t that close to them. I guess I miss Sandy more than anything, I could always just be me.

I visit some grief sites quite often trying to find some solace and the sadness some days from the posts are too overwhelming. The one common denominator is that the grief doesn’t go away. It can become manageable but it is always there.

It is reassuring to read about others feeling the horrible panic, unexpected tears, and the horrible pain. Let’s me know in some way these feelings are normal (that can’t be that right word because nothing about this is normal).

I don’t know how to “feel” like I used to; my feelings are tempered by fear. I still feel like I am living outside myself;watching life go on. If there is a God he is on my go to hell list. I feel so stupid for all the years I preached about being nice, about being cognizant of the little things we have; know what,that is a joke.


Responses

  1. I feel your pain ever day I had my daughter for 42 wonderful years she was my best friend but she had a problem with alcohol and didn’t always make sound decisions. She hung herself on 4/27/15. In our home we speculate and. Pray that it was an accident and not on purpose I worried about her all the time she was away from me but I never worried about her when she was in our home she was safe there or so I thought. I have to put a fake face on every day for my son because he is a wonderful person and doesn’t deserve to loose his mother he found his sister and it was so hard on him. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be enough to keep me alive and to tell you the truth it is the only thing that stops me from joining my daughter. I talked to her on the day she died and thank god my last words to her was I love you and she said I love you too. I wasn’t wear of how much she was drinking or how depressed she was and I sob so hard I can hardly breath because I failed her. I do a lot of silent crying so no one can hear me and worry about me. Why didn’t I know the pain is unbearable and every time I think of her I gasp to breathe I too wonder what I could have done to change the outcome and brushed off her complaints about always being the one in the house who messed up something.

    I tried so hard to,be a good mother because I didn’t have one so now what am I but a failure so a mother she was my best friend how could I not know the depths of her pain. I think everyone is third of hearing me cry about her but the truth is I will never get over her I just will keep living for my son. So every day I drag my body to work go home and out on a false face. No one understands she did exhist they go on with their life’s and mine is shattered and I have to keep it to myself the gut renching pain is unbearable

    I only lost one child so your pain is triple mine and to see that you survive your loss is a inspiration to me. I’m so sorry for you but your not alone in your pain

  2. We lost our beautiful son, on July 20, 2015. We lost him suddenly and without warning. We lost him tragically and alone, I never got to say good-bye or tell him that I love him. I lost my own heart that day and all my dreams were shattered in an instant. I’ve always been a practicing catholic and I believe in God with all my heart, but right now it’s hard for me to find peace with God. There are so many unanswered questions, and my prayers can never be fulfilled, I am desperate for an answer, or some hope to hold on to. I do not understand God’s reason for this, how can any of this be part of God’s great plan? The pain is unbearable, to loose a child is cruel and no one can lift this, only God can help ease this pain.
    The outside world can’t possibly understand and now I exist in a world that I no longer belong in. If there is any hope, please share it. I do not want to occupy my mind with outside distractions or spend time with friends who can’t possibly comprehend my loss. I try and read scripture and search for God through out my day, because he is all I have left to hold on to, but there are no answers or consolation. I pray, cry and beg God for a sign, something, anything that I can hold on to. Please God give me a sign that I recognize as my son, please tell me that he is okay. All I hear is my own voice and the emptiness of my heart. So if there is a peace outside this please share it, because my pain deepens as the days move forward.

  3. I lost my oldest son on September 10, 2012. He took his own life. I have no answers. I promise you that you are not alone. I am sorry that you are having to go through this torture. I wish I could say that it would end, but it doesn’t. I will say – that though the pain doesn’t go away, you learn how to live with it. And though you are not the same person that you were before, you can survive this. Please try to reach out for help and don’t feel like you must go through this alone. No one can do it all by themselves.

    I am so sorry for your pain. Thinking of you and praying for you through these horrific stages of grief that you will go through.


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